Thursday, September 24, 2009
Written from a mom's point of view and humorous to boot, I give you a candid, thumbs up review of the 3 speed I Rub My Duckie :
So, it's a rubber duck. Okay. But there's something strange about it, if you've got kids--something that feels a little wrong, like you're jerking off with your children's bath toys. Or like you're being infantilized at exactly the moment you want to be most grown-up, which was more or less how I felt about the Winnie the Pooh maternity clothes I kept encountering when I was pregnant. You will want to plan on using it with your eyes closed, unless the sight of that innocently smiling poultry face fills you with inexplicable ardor. Or maybe you want to imagine that you're doing it with Ernie from Sesame Street? Go ahead then and keep your eyes open.
The other problem is that, of course, you're children will see it, and possibly even pick it up, and this will also give you a strange feeling. As will hiding it. "Um, Mom, why is there a rubber duck in this shoe box under the bed?" "That's for my work," I said, and because I write for family magazines, this was actually vaguely plausible. Our kitten batted it around for a while too, but this seemed to do it no harm.
Okay, here's my third and last caveat: if you are a busy person with children at home and approximately 5 minutes of privacy a day, you will need to plan on two preparatory sessions with the duck before you even get around to using it. First there's the getting it out of the box. The Boudoir Essentials wrapping is lovely--so pink tissue-papery and special that it's a shame to tear it--but underneath is the plastic container that seems to be both child safe and adult proof. Maybe a special robot could be designed to open it? I ended up tearing at some of the tape with my teeth and cursing. That's day 1. On day 2, you will insert the batteries, and you will actually need a screwdriver for this little procedure. Not to sound excessively girly here, but I had to dig through my husband's tool box trying to figure out which one to use--in part because I was too proud to say, "Honey, can you help me figure out how to unscrew my new vibrating rubber duck tub toy so I can get the batteries in and jerk off while you vacuum the living room?" Suffice it to say: the batteries were inserted. And I read through the instructions, which are oddly cagey. If it's intended to be a sex toy, why so much talk of "neck and shoulders"? Why pretend that you're using a waterproof vibrating duck on your sore muscles? Is it against the law to be explicit? Would it make it so that you couldn't sell it on Amazon? Probably. But it makes you feel extra sleazy that you're going to be getting off while everyone else is simply working on their tight hamstrings.
On day 3, with the kids off to school and 20 minutes left to me before work, I finally ran a bath, added a dollop of a luscious, faintly apple-scented foaming bath gel, and climbed in with the duck. With only vague images of erotic, macabre electrocution (I have watched way too much Six Feet Under), I pressed the duck's back and he hummed into action like an electric toothbrush; given that everyone in my house uses electric toothbrushes, this could be a great alibi if I ever need one. And you know what? It was absolutely lovely. For a person who learned to come with the shower massager in my childhood home, the warm water is deliciously familiar as an erotic environment. And the 3 speeds of vibration, along with the duck's anatomical flexibility (both his head and tail vibrate) make for what I imagine is a something-for-everyone pleaser. I was in a hurry, and so the duck made succinct work of getting me off, though I imagine that one could spend more time with it. But overall I found it to be an excellent, versatile toy--one that I will use a great deal, I imagine, and one that would be fun to take into the shower with my partner.
That said, I could probably leave it on the rim of the bath and nobody would think twice about it. The kids have a million rubber ducks and, come to think of it, a million vibrating toys. We joked all the time about the vibrating bouncy seat they used as babies ("We'll try it after she falls asleep."). But still. Maybe find a special place to keep it? You just don't want to see your kids touching it. Take my word for it.